Brains!!! – By Ashley Wine

“It’s an Outbreak of Zombies, and you are barricaded up in your home, and you only have a limited time to gather the essentials and get the hell out of here. What are you going to do now?”

Today is the 22 of December. Surely you did not expect today to be ordinary and bland like any other day? I mean, after all, today is the day after the end of the world. Man, you must have had a few too many last night. Let me help refresh your memory, as you look around your trashed apartment. The year is 2012, yeah, no more Twinkies with Hostess going out of business and everything. I know! How unfortunate considering the finding of abandoned Twinkie factories. Sorry to say, that after Hostess decided to go out of business; they nuked all their factories so that no private company could discover their recipes and replicate them.Selfish bastards, they take your fat cakes away, and then the nukes they used to bomb their factories, were not properly tested. Yep, the chemical and nuclear fusion caused by those explosives was what silently released the epidemic into the air. Oh, what’s that strange moaning sound outside that you are hearing? Haha, hold on, don’t rush me, I’ll get to that part, but yeah, you should probably go wash up since you stink of beer and shame. You also might want to find some aspirin for that hangover of yours as well. Hey, pick up that back pack, you’ll be needing it. Make sure you put the aspirin that you don’t use in there as well.

So as I was saying, the chemicals from the nukes released undomesticated pathogens that mutated and turned into a killer virus that started to affect the citizens in the towns surrounding those abandoned Twinkie factories. They were dead for several days and didn’t even know it until the end of the first week, when their skin started to rot, and their minds started to irrationalize, and their animal instincts just to survive took full capacity of their thoughts. Well that, and of course, the typical undead craving for brains.

I know this all sounds a bit overwhelming, I mean, everything was fine last night right? While other people around America were jumping off the empire state building and having arsenic kool-aid parties, you decided to have a blast and get wasted like you and your buddies usually do on New Year’s Eve. You thought what the hell? Why not start early? We know we’re going to be alive tomorrow, let’s toast to new beginnings! Well, Here’s the funny thing, after you downed your first 50 Key Lime Jell-O Shots, you got just a bit tipsy, and you passed out while your friends drew penis’s on your- Oh, you say you see it in the bathroom mirror? Hell that’s not even the funny part!

See, after they went home, your late night television turned on an urgent message from the Barack Obama, saying that for the past month the FBI had been secretly investigating the strange behavior of the effected cities, and their medical staff was working day and night feverishly searching for a cure for the people infected. But while they searched for a cure, they did not want to freak anyone out. So they kind of forgot to contain the infected people themselves into their towns. So…while you were passed out the infected people started walking, and for the first time, actually attacking each other and other people! Isn’t that just great? I mean, Texas wanted to secede from the union because they did not want Obama to raise their taxes, and we all thought it was such a big deal, and then THIS happened! Anyway, fortunately for you, you were in the middle of a chaotic city on the 80th floor of your apartment building; so you missed out on the blood curdling screams of the first victims.

I see while I’ve been talking that you managed to stumble into your room. Here’s the thing, the Zombies, as of 3 am this morning, have entered your city, and all those little bloody dots you see outside your window; those are your neighbors and co-workers down there, and each one of them is wanting your brain. Don’t Panic! Calm Down. “Do not underestimate the effect fear will have on a survivors capacity to fight, especially their first encounters.” Yes. You will have to fight. Those groans are getting closer because the zombies have already broke through the barricades of the front desk while you were sleeping and they are quickly working their way up the building. You can try to avoid confrontation, but don’t forget, when in doubt make sure you improvise. Because everything can be a weapon! I see you are quickly shoving crackers and other tasty goodies in your backpack, but if you don’t start searching for weapons, the only food you’ll need for a while is brains! Look there! Put that pocket knife in there, and that leg of that chair. Just break it off! You are running out of time!

I bet you’re wishing that you had moved to Canada, the night you found out that Obama was elected huh? Let me put your mind at ease, and say that even if Romney had become president, he would not have had the time to prevent the effects of the nukes used by Hostess to destroy their Twinkie factories.

Alright, you have a few weapons now, and that should be enough to help you fight your way up to the roof where we are waiting in the helicopter to get you safely to Canada. We can’t fight them off long. You must hurry, or we’ll all be doomed. Grab that front door handle, turn the knob ‘til it clicks and Run! Good Luck. This Message Will Destruct in 5…4…3…2…*Click*

Basic Zombie Outbreak information for this paper was gathered from these sites:

http://waynet.hubpages.com/hub/Zombie-Survival-How-To-Kill-A-Zombie

http://www.superpages.com/supertips/how-to-kill-a-zombie.html

http://www.portlandmercury.com/portland/how-to-kill-a-zombie/Content?oid=32136

http://www.zombieplace.com/how-to-kill-a-zombie

http://www.zombiephiles.com/zombies-ate-my-brains/zombie-outbreak-ten-worst-things-to-do

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